I Don't Want To

 

I don't know why I am writing this post. I have absolutely no clue. I don't even want to write it! I got into a nice little heated debate about writing this post, but we will get to that later. But yet, here I sit, writing this post and I have no clue why. I know the topic I am to write about. I know exactly what I am to write about. I just don't know why. I guess I should just get to it though.

 

 

So it started yesterday. I was driving to meet some friends for lunch and was chatting with my mom on the way there. Somehow the conversation turned to rather or not Travis and I would adopt again sometime in the future. The answer to that is complex yet simple. Yes, I'm sure we will. But it massively scares me. I explain this to my mom about how it scares me to go through the whole process again because the first time went SO very easily. While most adoptions are not the horror stories you hear about on TV or in movies, they don't necessarily go as smoothly as ours either.

 

We chatted for a bit more then I arrived at my destination and went in to meet my friends. During the course of lunch the topic came up with my friends also about rather or not we would adopt again. Again I explained exactly what I had explained to my mother just an hour earlier.

 

As I was driving home I started thinking about both of those conversations and was just wondering to myself why we would have been blessed with such an easy adoption. By easy I mean that A never once gave us a reason to think she wasn't going to place. She was always thanking US for what WE were doing for HER. She allowed me to go to every single doctor's appointment, be in the delivery room, and allowed us to spend every single second in the hospital with Keegan. So as I'm wondering how we got so lucky I hear the voice in my head say quietly,

 "That's what you asked for."  

 

"That's what I asked for?" I respond

 

"Yes."

 

Then I remembered. Before we were matched with A I had a fear, well I had LOTS of fears, but I had one fear in particular that we would leave the hospital sad that we had "taken" a baby away from someone. I feared that our child's birth mother would be overcome with grief and we would feel the pain of that through her. (Not sure if that makes sense.) During this time I happened to stumble upon a blog written by a lady who had adopted her child. The blog I happened to come across talked about her fear of the same thing I was fearing. She talked about how she would pray every night for God to bring to her and her husband a birth mom who needed them just as much as they needed her. That night I started praying that every night. I prayed that God would bring us that mother who needed us just as much as we needed her.

 

Well, part of the reason that the adoption went so well is because A needed us just as much as we needed her. It was what I had asked for.

 

So at that point all I could respond with in the car was, "You're right. Thank you."

But the conversation wasn't over there.

 

Then I hear, "You need to put this in your blog."

 

"I don't really want to blog about this. Nobody would really understand or want to hear about me talking to "myself" in the car."

 

"Blog about this."

 

"Okay, fine. I'll blog about this."

 

 

As you know, I didn't blog about this last night. So tonight the voice came back.

 

"You didn't blog."

 

"I really don't want to. I don't have any reason to write this story up."

 

"Write the blog."

 

 

"But I won't be able to until Keegan goes to bed and then I really just want to spend that time playing Candy Crush, because I just got to a new really hard level and I need to try and pass it."

 

"Write the blog."

 

"UGHHHHHHH fine, I'll write the blog!"

 

So I wrote the blog. Here it is. I have no clue why I have written this post. I don't know if maybe when we do start the process for baby number 2 I will look back at this post and remember my pray so that I can start praying again. I have no clue. None at all. But if I've learned anything in the past few years, it is that when you hear that voice it's best to listen.