The Benefits

Obviously the greatest benefit we have received from the past 4 years is that little guy right up there. Never could I have imagined that we could be so blessed to have him in our lives. Every single day he keeps us laughing. He made every single thing worth it. But over the past 4 years I have spent a lot of time soul searching and trying to make sense of what we went through. Before starting any infertility procedure we had to decide if the benefits would be worth it. The problem with being human though is that we tend to convince ourselves of the benefits that COULD be, even when we have a small voice screaming in our ear that we might not be making the right decision. Before I get any more confusing let me explain where this is coming from.

As I know I have written in past posts, I knew from a pretty young age that I wanted to adopt my children. At the time I had no reason to think that I would have a problem carrying a child, but I just always knew that adoption was in my heart. I am now 100% convinced that God put adoption in my heart for a very specific reason. He knew that I wasn't meant to carry a child. He tried to tell me and I just brushed it off, as many of us do to that "small voice" when we think we know better. When it came time to grow our family and it was obvious that we weren't having success with the traditional methods we moved onto the infertility treatments which led us to the IVF, which in turn led to the loss of our child, due to my immune system not recognizing a fetus. 2 1/2 years later I turn to the thought that if I had just listened to that small voice from the beginning I would have never had to deal with the heartbreak. But this post is supposed to be about "The Benefits" and right now it's just kind of a downer so let me try to explain my thinking here.

Right after the miscarriage I got VERY mad at God. We were officially not on speaking terms. If God had a Facebook he would have been un-friended. I did not understand how he could have taken my child from me that I so desperately wanted. This led to many thoughts of how he could possibly allow tragedy. Why doesn't he intervene and just make this a perfect world of happiness and love. During a conversation with someone one day I was reminded of the Free Will that God has granted all of us. We have Free Will to make our own decisions. He is the small voice in our ear, but we choose if we would like to listen. God did try to keep me from tragedy. I chose not to listen. How could I stay mad at him when he had tried to stop me and I chose not to listen. Anyone who has ever spent 2 seconds with a child knows that we (as the all knowing adults) can tell the child what is best for them, but if they chose not to listen, there is very little we can do. As God's children, I believe he often tries to tell us what to do and sadly we at times choose not to listen. So there he is left with very little he can do except try to turn their tragedy into a benefit.

Like I started this post with, the most obvious benefit to our years of struggle and heartache is Keegan. He is my ultimate benefit. But there have been other small benefits that I believe God has orchestrated out of our tragedy. I have had the wonderful opportunity to talk to many different people about not only infertility but also adoption. I got so excited when I am able to talk to someone about infertility or adoption. No matter if it is because they are experiencing infertility (I HATE that someone is experiencing infertility, but like the fact that my public journey has enabled them someone they can talk to. Those of us who are infertile know how beneficial it is to have someone who truly understands.) or because they are considering adoption. I feel that God took my pain and said, "We are going to make something positive out of this. You are going to use your story to assist others. I'm sorry that I couldn't stop the pain you felt, but let me help you find some positives."

Most people keep their infertility struggles a secret. Many people even keep parts of their adoption experiences a secret. I was asked early on during our infertility journey to blog about what was going on. While I had never ventured into the world of blogging, and wasn't even sure anyone would really want to read what I had to say, I decided to give it a shot. Never in my wildest dreams at that time, did I think that this blog would take the twists and turns that it did. But if my story helps just one person know that they aren't alone, know that others have been in their shoes, see that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel, then I can no longer be mad at God for allowing me pain, but be thankful that he is able to help me see the benefits that can come from sadness. And I can't make any promises, but I have been trying real hard to listen more to that little voice.