Rollercoaster

I hate amusement parks. I especially hate roller coasters. Honestly I've never been on a roller coaster. I've never even wanted to go on a roller coaster. I always get afraid of the "IFs"

What IF the ride breaks and I plummet to my death?

What IF I get sick and throw up all over myself?

What IF I get sick and throw up all over someone else?

 The closest I've ever even come to getting on any ride that would even come close to resembling a roller coaster would be one of those water log rides, where you sit in the log and go up a big hill and then come crashing down into water to get soaked. Well let's just say I was all gungho at first but by the time we started up the hill, my mom was literally holding me down in the seat to keep me from jumping out and running back down the ramp. I realized after starting on the ride that I no longer wanted to be on it. I was terrified. My mom didn't let me jump out though and at the end of the ride, it was nice to feel the splash of the cold water on a hot day. At times I feel like I am back on that log ride though. The past almost 2 years have been a crazy roller coaster. One day I am so excited to do whatever I need to do to create our own little family.

Shots?  No big deal!

Blood Test? Let me show you which vein to use

Poke here and probe there? Why the heck not

Other days it frustrates me that we are having to go through this. I try so hard to understand that there is a purpose and a reason but some days it is very difficult to keep focused on that. I got caught up in the "IFs".

IF we had gotten pregnant when we first started trying I would have a 1 year old right now.

IF we had tried IVF sooner I would be pregnant right now.

IF we hadn't decided to postpone this IVF cycle, I might be able to celebrate Mother's Day this year as a mother.

That last one is the IF that hit me the other day. This is going to be another year where I won't be a mother on Mother's Day and I wonder how many more of those will go by.

But just like the log ride, I need to remember that at the end, it all turned out okay. I didn't get sick on myself or anybody else, the ride didn't break down and plummet me to my death. IF I had let my fears get to me, I wouldn't have been cooled down by the splash of the water. So I'm going to continue to ride this ride I'm on and just continue hoping and praying that at the end of the ride, I'm feeling the cool splash and the only IF I'm left pondering is IF it's a boy or a girl.