I pulled a Britney Spears...

Alright, so I didn't go full fledged, shave your head and then beat a random car with an umbrella, but I did have a "mini-Britney" moment I realized. Last weekend, after dealing with all of the miscarriage emotional and physical pain, I decided I needed a change. I don't have a clear reason why, but I felt like I needed to change something. It seemed like I needed to be in control of something during a time when I felt completely out of control. The easiest, cheapest, and most pain-free thing to change was going to be my hair. I knew that cutting my hair wasn't going to "cut out" the way I was feeling, it wasn't going to be the miracle fix-all to a deep emotional pain, but it felt like something I could be in control of. It felt like by changing my image, I could feel different, and I really needed to feel different. Now, like I said, I didn't shave my head and start beating inanimate objects with an umbrella, but I did go a darker brown with a shorter shoulder length cut. Did I walk out of the salon feeling 100% healed... not at all. Did I expect to... not at all. But I did walk out feeling just a little bit better about myself physically at least. It was a small "pick-me-up" during a time when I wasn't sure I was going to ever be picked up.

The salon visit helped some and time is also helping. Everyday gets a little bit easier. I can even have basic conversations about what happened, without breaking down into sobbing tears. The physical pain is completely gone, but the emotional, while I am getting better at masking it, will be around for a long time, if not at some level, forever. March 10th will forever be the day that our child was due to be born, but ended up coming about 7 months too early. I like to think that I will hopefully be pregnant during that time, and that should help make that day a little bit easier when it comes around, but at this point I'm afraid to even hope for that.

We do have our 3 frozen babies that we have decided to use. Our OB cleared me today to head back to the fertility dr. (Kind of makes me feel like a ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth.) We will now meet with the fertility doc to come up with a timeline and plan of how to use the three babies. I REALLY want to just put all 3 in at once. I'm fully aware that with my track record of "Nevers" that tend to always come true it is HIGHLY possible that triplets could be on my horizon, but if we dealt with losing our child, we can easily deal with raising 3 at once.

For those that don't remember my list of "Nevers" that have come true, let me re-run down the UPDATED list for you:

1.) I will never date a guy shorter then me (I married one)

2.) I will never work at Key ( I worked there for 4 years)

3.) I will never do IVF (still paying off the bill)

4.) I could never deal with losing a child (It sucks, but you learn how to deal with it)

5.) I could never deal with having triplets (hmmmmm 3 eggs frozen...)

But even if we don't have triplets, even if those 3 little embryos for whatever reason, can't stick around, Travis and I are both open 100% to adoption. I think we would look adorable with a little multi-cultural crew. I think I would make a pretty darn good Angelina Jolie...

There's a little visual for you all to help you see it for yourselves...

But in all seriousness, if I'm not meant to birth my child, then I know that my child is out there somewhere, it was just birthed by someone else for me, and I am ok with that.

Going to end this one with a quote from the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, that song pretty much sums up the way I feel about everything that has happened so far along our journey to our child.

"And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

It was a long journey and then a short dance that I had with our little child, but I am so glad that I had that dance with them and wouldn't have wanted to miss it for anything!

 

P.S. Travis and I can not thank everyone enough for the love, prayers, and support everyone has shown us. It helped make a difficult time just a little bit easier knowing we were being surrounded by so much love. I was asked if I was going to continue to share my journey with people as it is very difficult when something unfortunate like a miscarriage happens, but I no longer feel like it is just Travis and I's journey, but that we have tons of other people out walking this path with us, so my answer is Yes, anyone who is interested is welcome to continue walking this road with us. I am going to continue blogging throughout the next round and hopefully we will have a much better outcome this time.

Love you all!

Dana and Travis