Strength

So I started off this blog going to google like I always do trying to find a really great picture. The picture I had in mind for this blog was some sickenly strong women. You know the kind. The body builder woman who actually look more male than female. That's what I wanted for this post. But then I came across this picture and I had no choice but to choose it.

I can't tell you how many times over the past month I have been told how "strong" I am. This blog was supposed to be about how I don't feel strong at all though. Yes, I am back to smiling and joking. Yes, I make it through most days without crying. Yes, anybody could look at me at almost any point throughout the day and not know that only 1 month ago I found out that my child had died. But that is all the outside of me. I feel like if people could rip off my skin and look inside they would know the truth. I am as weak as they come. I would love to sit in a corner and cry. I would love to just give up and throw in the towel and be at peace with the idea that we might not ever have children. I don't want to go through shots and pills again. I don't want to have to wait for 2 weeks after transfering back our embroys to know if they decided to implant. I don't want to then have to live my day to day life in constant fear that at every doctors appointment we are going to find out once again that they didn't make it. Knowing all of that about myself makes me feel weak, not strong.

But then I stumbled across that quote at the top of this blog. Throughout this journey I know that I have mentally become a stronger person. Even on my weakest days, the fact that I move forward means I am getting stronger in some way. I know that even though there are moments where I think it would be so much easier to jump off the trail, send up my flair, and stop the journey, I'm not going to. I do have enough strength to continue, and even if, God forbid, the journey gets even harder, somehow I will pull from the strength I already have to keep moving forward.

So I guess from now on when people decide to tell me how "strong" I am, I am going to agree with them. Not only am I "strong women" but I am a "women of strength" and I know that I will continue to become an even stronger women as I continue along this journey that one day will end with a "Happily Ever After".