When the fear outweighs the excitment

I am completely filled with fear. Every day is one step closer to confronting my fears. The interesting part is that only 6 months ago, the one thing I most fear, was the one thing I was most excited for. I couldn't wait to see if the IVF had worked. I couldn't wait to pee on a little stick and see 2 pink lines show up. (A sight I thought at one time I would never see.) I couldn't wait to be pregnant. Fast forward 6 months and I am petrified at the thought of being pregnant. It's not that I am scared of the actual pregnancy part, but I am scared of getting pregnant only to lose it again. I don't want to know if the FET worked. (Frozen Egg Transfer) I don't want to pee on anything, and vertical lines send me into a mild panic attack. I have contemplated just not testing and I figured in 9 months it would all become clear either way... but then I would end up on that show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" and since I have been guilty of making fun of those women, I probably shouldn't strive for such fame.

Don't get me wrong, I won't be jumping up and down with excitement if it doesn't work, but I also won't be jumping up and down if it does. It's such a hard feeling to explain and I don't think I can do it justice on this blog, but with pregnancy comes the possibility of miscarriage. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure. And that scares me. But as the quote above says, fear does nothing but block progress. In order for me to move forward I needed to give this one last shot. Again, I don't think I can explain why, but I needed to feel that I had tried everything possible to have a child biologically before finding our child using other means. So I have to push the fear to the side and move forward.

Every night I pray, and invite you all to join me, that if we are not meant to have a child biologically then just don't allow me to get pregnant this time around. I would much rather deal with one day of sadness because of another negative test, then weeks, months, years, and a lifetime of hurt from losing another child. BUT if it all ends up the same way, then I know with the love and support of Travis, my family, and all my friends I will find the strength to pick myself back up and continue moving forward. Fear is not going to stop me from meeting my child, because as any mother knows, they will do anything for their child, and nothing, not even fear will stop them.

P.S. December 14th will be our transfer date. We should know the results right before Christmas.