Wow, where in the world do I even start my wrap up of 2011. I can honestly say that never in my wildest dreams did I EVER imagine I would have had the year I had last year. If you had asked me on Dec. 31, 2010 what I thought the year 2011 would hold, I can guarantee you that the words/phrases: Hospital Stay, Pneumonia, IVF, Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Job Change, FET, or Adoption would have never come out of my mouth. But that about sums up my year. It started on January 1, 2011 with being admitted into the hospital for 3 days due to a severe case of double pneumonia (Although I did learn that when your mother tells you a week earlier that you should probably go see a doctor...you should probably go see a doctor).
Next came the decision to move forward with IVF. Something I had promised myself I would never be able to do. I was 100% certain that I was not capable of giving myself shots. This has been greatly disproved by the small Mt. Everest of syringes on my counter because I have no clue where to take them to dispose of them.
Next came the job offer that I NEVER saw coming. I was just chilling on my couch one weekend, snuffly and sick, when I get an email asking if I would be interested in applying for a 6th grade position at a different school corporation. Not exactly the most practical time in my life to make a major job change, since I had been at my current position for 4 years, had over 7 weeks of sick days saved up that I could use as paid time off if we got pregnant, and not to mention the fact that I HATE and FEAR change. But something just felt right about it, so I went for it and made the big move. Turns out that it was one of the smartest decision I have made, I am now realizing, after hearing what is going on at the school I used to work at. (Much to long of a story to go into for those of you that have no clue what I'm talking about... but trust me, it's kind of crazy.)
Because of the job change, we decided to push back our original start date for the IVF cycle until summer so I didn't have to miss my first 3 days of work at the new job. Which leads me to the summer of 2011 when we actually did IVF. The retrieval is still very vivid in my mind. I'm not going to go into details, but there were needles in places where needles should never go... That summer I waited for the longest week of my life, between the transfer of the embryos and the day I saw those beautiful 2 lines on a pregnancy test. I still remember sitting in the bathroom with my head in my hands just crying, wondering if I should wake Travis up then or let him sleep a little more before I told him.
Then came by far the worst day of my life. The day we found out that our little one hadn't made it. Another day I will never forget. I will also never forget the immense amount of love and support that surrounded Travis and I during that time, and still cannot say thank you enough to everyone.
The year came to a close with the FET (frozen embryo transfer). I knew in my heart it wasn't going to work. I knew it without a question. In fact I would have been INCREDIBLY surprised if it did. As I suspected, and most people should really start to know by know :) I was correct and it did not work. But like I said in my previous post, my prayer had been, if we weren't supposed to have biological children, then please don't let it work. Do not give me a child and then take it away again. So I didn't even shed a tear. I was prepared for what was coming, and actually VERY excited for the next phase.
So the year ended with Travis and I deciding to move forward with adoption. Adoption has been something that has been in my heart since I was little. I honestly think that God put it in my heart many years ago because he knew this was the road I would be taking in life. He also knew I don't really like surprises, so he was just giving me plenty of warning!
I had a conversation with somebody right after the miscarriage, and I think it was my mother, about how I could never picture myself pregnant. I couldn't see myself with the big belly, I couldn't see myself in a hospital room after having just given birth to my child. I just couldn't picture myself in any of those situations. I can however clearly see Travis and I with our adopted child. I can see us in many situations with that child/children. It is as clear as can be in my mind.
This year took us many many places. Many places that I never expected to be, and many that I hope to never go back to. But one place 2011 did take us is to 2012, which is the year that I know we are finally heading in the right direction. Not that I think 2011's events were in any way wrong. They were exactly the things that needed to happen to get us to the place we are and I am so thankful for that, and for all of the people that joined us in 2011 for the crazy year that it was. I have the most amazing husband, family, and friends. Many of you have cried with me and laughed with me this year. Next year I'm sure will be filled with tears and laughter also, but I have a feeling that there are going to be many more laughs and tears of joy in 2012!
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